Archive for the General Category

What’s the Most Recognizable Theme Song of All Time?

Posted in General with tags on September 13, 2010 by fieldingmellish

It should be obvious by now that I have an unhealthy obsession with theme songs. I’ve already covered the cheesiest intros of all time. And apart from a small segment of weirdos, people don’t generally remember the theme songs all that well. So I got to thinking: What is the most easily recognizable TV theme song of all time? Continue reading

Deep Thought for the Day

Posted in General on August 5, 2010 by fieldingmellish

If Pro Wrestling is a soap opera for men (men who really like half naked, well-muscled, oily men grope each other for the better part of an hour), then isn’t The Replacements really nothing but “He’s Just Not that Into You” or “Valentine’s Day” for men, too? I mean, it’s like the Love Boat for washed up action stars.

Webcomic Weview #2 Coming Soon!

Posted in General on August 3, 2010 by fieldingmellish

As I mentioned yesterday over at the other blog, I will be back on a somewhat regular posting schedule now that my many summer exploits and daliances are over. The plan is to get a webcomic weview and my long awaited Monty Python post up, plus hopefully some other fun stuff as it comes to me. Now though, I don’t have the effort to dig through archives for marginally related strips. I will give you a preview by posting one of my favorite SMBC panels:

See you then!

A Word about James Bond

Posted in General on May 26, 2010 by fieldingmellish

Honestly, I have no idea what prompted this, but I was thinking about James Bond today. Actually, I know exactly what prompted it, but it sounds better to say it came out of the blue than from hours of mindlessly clicking around TV Tropes. I’m not exactly an expert on James Bond, but I was about 8 years ago. It may have been longer. It started when Goldeneye came out on N64. After milking that game for all it’s worth, I eventually branched out and watched all the movies (including Never Say Never Again, shudder). I read nearly all of the novels. I played a long string of Bond games that weren’t Goldeneye. I think it’s safe to say I’m about as familiar with the James Bond mythos as any casual fan. So if you’ll indulge me, I’m going to now try to explain why James Bond will never be as good as it used to be.

Let me get this out of the way: I don’t like the Daniel Craig Bond movies. I like them better than the Timothy Dalton Bond movies. I like them better than the later Roger Moore movies. I like them better than almost all of the Pierce Brosnan movies. But it sort of shows why I fell out with James Bond in a way I never did with say, Star Wars. I understand that the original James Bond, the one Ian Fleming created, was kind of a jerk. He was a misogynist. He was a cold blooded killer who would do whatever it took. He was sort of a sociopath. Daniel Craig gets that across. But here’s the thing. The last thing James Bond movies need is a gritty reboot.

This may be unpopular. In fact, I guarantee it is. I must be in the minority on this, but I don’t much care for dark, gritty reboots. That’s the trend these days, and I feel like a loser for not being on the bandwagon. But I’d rather watch 4 episodes of Adam West flouncing around as Batman than 2 hours of Christian Bale growling about justice. Maybe I just love campiness. In any case, I think people who like James Bond tend to fall into two groups:

1. People who like Casino Royale/Quantum of Solace – These people tend to like Timothy Dalton better than Pierce Brosnan and Roger Moore. If you get enough alcohol in them, they may admit to liking On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. They like From Russia With Love better than Goldfinger. They tend to play serious video games. They watch the movie Groundhog’s Day, but only because of the philosophical implications.

2. People who don’t like Casino Royale/Quantum of Solace – These people will happily sit through Roger Moore quipping his way through space in Moonraker and think The Man With the Golden Gun is the underappreciated gem of the franchise. They liked the Goldeneye movie more than Casino Royale and will happily admit it. They absolutely think Goldfinger is the best Bond movie. They also like the entire Back to the Future trilogy, not just the first one.

Obviously, this is mostly in jest, and I’m sure completely wrong. But let’s pretend for a minute. The only thing everyone agrees on is that Sean Connery was the best Bond, and his movies are without question the best in the series. Group 1 people think it’s because Sean Connery’s Bond was a complete badass, with his hairy chest and cigarettes and the casual rape-i-ness of it all and what have you. People in Group 2 don’t really know why. Maybe it’s because Sean Connery is the best actor to have played the role. Maybe it’s because the plots are the perfect balance of ridiculous and realistic. Maybe it’s because that’s what everyone says, and they don’t want to seem like an idiot.

Well, I consider myself a Group 2 person, and I’m going to put down my theory. Sean Connery played Bond in the 60s and early 70s. He was the closest, time-wise, to the actual writing of the books. He also had the opportunity to define the role with out the pressure of competing with, oh, Sean Connery. But for me, the key is the time period. James Bond really is a time piece. Some movies age well, others don’t. Ghostbusters is still fun and interesting. Airplane! will never get old because even though traveling isn’t the same as it used to be, disaster movies are. James Bond, as a character, will always look out of place. He was crafted to be a man of his time, i.e the late 50s to early 60s. Whether or not Ian Fleming meant Bond to be a lighthearted goof like Roger Moore or a scowling sociopath like Daniel Craig is irrelevant. The fact is, 007 is not suited to our world. Maybe the stakes aren’t high enough. Taking on warlords and smugglers isn’t the same as preventing worldwide nuclear war, you know.

But I think it runs deeper than that. Sure, Craig’s Bond is probably more like Fleming’s than Brosnan or Moore’s. The problem is, we don’t want our heroes to be misogynistic twats who aren’t all that interested in not killing people for spite and raping women until they turn straight.* The world of James Bond is one of Black and White morality. No, the Soviet Union weren’t evil. But SPECTRE was. And MI6 were good. James Bond never wrestled with questions of right and wrong. You didn’t see Sean Connery waxing philosophical while he held another man’s life in his hands. Nope, he killed him because the guy invented a puppy-rapping machine. And then he quipped about it. Today’s world is much more Black and Grey, which is why we end up with all of these gritty reboots passing for original entertainment. Forcing this onto a guy who throws people through plate-glass windows and casually commenting afterwards, “He was getting to be a pane” is a bit incongruous. The problem with the Craig movies is that they’re good movies (well, the first one anyway), but not good Bond movies.

*Seriously, watch Goldfinger again. When you get to the fight scene where the 6’5” Bond is facing off with the much smaller Pussy Galore in a barn, stop and think about it. He not only kicks her ass, he has sex with her, something I’m not sure she was really interested in. But the sheer machismo not only turns her straight, it also makes her fall in love with him. The problem with dark and gritty reboots is that they’ll still keep the womanizing Bond, while playing everything else “realistically.” The mind boggles.

Anyways, the reason so many people look at Sean Connery’s Bond as best is that he was the best fit. Roger Moore seems goofy because he seems almost self-conscious. He knows the attitudes are changing around him so he has a bit of a sense of humor about it. But Connery could play Bond as Bond was meant to be. They may never be able to capture that again. But if I was tasked to make the next Bond movie, I would set it in 1967. It would have the US and the USSR, and a psychotic villain playing them against each other. James wouldn’t have a watch that could burn a hole in a floor or a belt that shoots poison darts or a car that can travel through time if it hits 88 miles per hour. He would have a gun, a briefcase, and maybe a grappling hook, and he would fight legions of baddies in an underground doom fortress before knocking the big bad into a pit of molten piranhas. Then he would have sex with a woman who actually wanted to do it while making a joke about the villain getting his “just desserts.”

And while I’m at it, maybe I’ll make a Batman movie where he still wears pajamas and fights villains who want to destroy Gotham City with a giant weapon that shoots exploding cats.

The 10 Cheesiest Sitcom Intros of All Time

Posted in General with tags , on April 8, 2010 by fieldingmellish

This is something I’ve had kicking around for awhile. Those who know me would likely say three things about me. 1) I need to get some new clothes. 2) I’m not exactly balding, but the future prospects don’t look good. And 3) I love sitcom intros and theme songs. More importantly, I like cheesy, objectively terrible sitcom intros. Show me a new one I haven’t seen and I’ll react like a 12 year old girl seeing Justin Whatsis at the Mall. I can watch them on YouTube for hours. And of course, I minored in Sitcommery at Columbia, with a concentration in theme songs. So if anyone’s going to make a list of this sort, it should be me.

First, you should watch Strong Bad tackle the dilemma of sitcom themes here. I have to admit I have cheated a little. Here are my rules: Firstly, nothing from the 70s. Not being alive hindered my ability to keep on top of TV then, but from what I’ve seen on YouTube, it wouldn’t be fair to the other decades to include the 70s. Too cheesy. Secondly, I tried very hard to not allow my feelings towards the show affect my feelings towards the intro, but hey, nobody’s perfect. Thirdly, songs and visuals count equally. We may no longer be living in the golden age of sitcom intros, but they were really important for awhile. With that intro, join me after the jump for my picks for 10 cheesiest intros of all time, along with way too many words for a blog post of YouTube videos. Warning! Due to the vagaries of YouTube, the volume of these embedded videos varies greatly from one to another. Be careful!

Continue reading

New Super Mario Bros. Wii and “Hardcore” Gaming

Posted in General with tags , on March 3, 2010 by fieldingmellish

I was going to write a post like this a few weeks ago, after Yahtzee posted his review of New Super Mario Bros, but I didn’t want to write about the game before I spent a lot of time playing it. If you haven’t seen the review, it’s worth watching before reading on. It’s here. I’ll wait.

Done? Great! If you didn’t bother to watch it, he spends half of his review complaining about the very idea that Nintendo even made this game. In his classic style, he rips the game for being a “remake of Mario 3” and representing the worst of the Video Game industry wringing dollars out of poor gamers who just want – nay deserve! – something new, but are too stupid to avoid the latest franchise game. Now, it should be pretty obvious that I am a fan of Zero Punctuation, since I namedrop like a congressman without a reservation at a restaurant. But I have to say, he is dead wrong on all counts.

I knew the review would be bad when it was sandwiched in with Left 4 Dead 2. I understand it’s tough to play a game every week and then write, record, and animate a review for it. So why on Earth would anyone think doing two would be best? And sure enough, from the word go it becomes pretty apparent that Yahtzee did not spend a lot of time playing Mario. He barely mentions the gameplay at all, outside the multiplayer. And this is a major problem because New Super Mario is all gameplay. Yep, the story, if you can call it that, is the same as always. Yep, 8 Worlds, end bosses, powerups, Yoshi and all the rest. It’s Mario. We know what we’re getting. So yes, if you are, like Yahtzee, completely opposed to franchises and sequels, then maybe this isn’t a game for you. If you think games need to be more cinematic and visual, or have moving stories and character development, then yeah, you’re shit out of luck. But if you like playing video games, maybe you should stick around and give it a chance.

My problem with the review, and with most kneejerk anti-Mario people, is that it basically assumes that yes, this is the same as other Mario games, which if you play for three levels it becomes clear this is absolutely not the case. It’s incredibly presumptuous and more than a little stuck up, because if you hold this attitude without playing it, then that means you cannot consider 2-D platformers real video games. Why is that, exactly? Since when do all video games have to be in 3-D? So you, Yahtzee and others upset by the plague of Halos and Tomb Raiders and brown, gritty first person shooters with lots of cleavage and terrible camera work, are totally willing to say to game designers, “stop making this entire sub-genre! You made games like that in the late-80s!” It’s hypocritical, but more importantly, it’s arbitrary and wrong.

I think part of the problem is that Mario owns 2-D platformers. With the possible exception of Mega Man 2, no one does a platformer like Mario. Nobody makes them any more because they’ll never be as good as Nintendo. They made a platformer in 1983 so good it single-handedly saved the home console market, and now, 17 years later, they made another one good enough to brighten the day of even the most jaded, bitter gamer.

Calling this game the same as Mario 3 is lazy. For one, the powerups are completely different. And for the first time since Mario 1, they are actually balanced. The Ice Flower is interesting because it can be used to kill otherwise indestructible bad guys, but it’s slow and only bounces twice. The Penguin Suit is a blast. The Spinny Hat thing is great because they finally made a flying powerup that doesn’t break the game.* Yoshi is back, but he doesn’t travel with you from level to level, he doesn’t lay or throw eggs, and he can hover, but only for a second. They make you think on your feet about which one to grab.

*Seriously, did anyone ever pick a fire flower when they had a chance to have a raccoon  tail or cape instead? The worst offender was the bunny ears in Six Golden Coins. You could basically stop playing the game after you got your first carrot, because you wouldn’t see much of the rest of it as you hovered from start to finish.

Not to be a killjoy by reviewing the “game” part of the game, but it’s actually really frickin’ good. The levels are a blast, with all sorts of traps and toys, new and old. It has an old-fashioned difficulty curve, and by the time you’re up to World 6 or 7, the levels can be controller-immolatingly difficult. Apparently, if you die a certain number of times trying to beat a level, they give you the option of having a computer controlled Luigi jump in and beat it for you. So you won’t get stuck, but you will be forced to sit there and stew as the computer takes its sweet-ass time showing you how it’s done.

The level design is actually outstanding. There are fun levels with giant Wigglers or a boat that only moves with fewer than five bad guys on it or blocks that move along a track and rotate at the same time. And of course, there are good old-fashioned run and jump and don’t die levels too. One of the most frustrating (in a good way) things about it is that the level designers seemed determined not to let you find a groove. In old Mario games, you could hit a rhythm with a leaf or something and beat a bunch of levels without dying. Here, the next level you play is loaded with unknowns. It makes for a varied experience. Unlike, say, Grand Theft Auto 4’s “drive here and kill them, then drive here and don’t let him die, then kill this other guy and watch a 10 minute cutscene” missions.

The boss battles with the Koopa Kids are usually sort of standard in the halfway castle, but fun and kooky in the end castle. This is the biggest departure from the old Mario games. Those boss battles were very samey, while these provide new and interesting challenges at every turn. Sure it’s annoying having to go back to the halfway point after losing one, but it really makes for some tense times. Exactly what a boss battle should be.

I have a few minor quibbles, of course. The item game takes entirely too long to play with one person, while the frequency of items, especially mushrooms, sort of cheapens them. It’s not hard to get to a point where you can use a mushroom before literally every level you play if you need too. The annoying on-map bad guys (where you have to grab 8 Toad balls without dying or turning gay) respawn, and you can beat them again for a limitless supply. Some of the big coins are in absurd places. It’s not a perfect game.

I haven’t even started on the Multiplayer yet. I don’t know how anyone who claims to be a fan of the original Mario can not like playing simultaneously with friends. It keeps everyone involved more than alternating. Plus, because of the bubble option and the separate lives/unlimited continues, you can play with people who aren’t as good and still have fun. When I first played, I spent a good portion of the game hammering the A button to not die. Sure, it can cause a little tension, since you all bounce off each other and the item boxes can dump items in a, to be generous, annoying way. But when you get in a grove, and the whole team is moving together and jumping and bouncing off each other, it looks a little like poetry in motion. For a veteran of those days, it’s fun to think about what your 8-year old self would have said about being able to play Mario 2 at a time. It’s almost like the Platonic Ideal of Mario 1. The 2-D platformer emerging from the cave and seeing what made all those shadows we remember so fondly. My only problem is the lack of a racing mode, first to the flag wins the level. That would have been a blast.

I sort of understand some of the hatred, actually. I mean, Nintendo has billions of dollars and could spend it trying to create something new. We have seen games like this before. And just like I happen to enjoy 2-D platformers, I appreciate that others just don’t. Even a game this good won’t sway them. But where I do have a problem is when the self-proclaimed “hardcore gamers” take a whack at it for not suiting their tastes. In the early days of video games, there was no distinction between hardcore and normal gamers. We all played the same games. Some people were just better than others. And then, as we got older and found new interests, we started to split into these ridiculous camps. But without Mario, without Zelda, without Donkey Kong, there wouldn’t be any hardcore gamers. A hardcore gamer shouldn’t be someone who spends a lot of money on games or outfits their PC with ridiculous video cards or only plays games with blood and boobs. A hardcore gamer should be someone who loves Video Games for what they are, from the games with great stories and complicated controls to the games with simple controls and fun levels. You can’t diss a game for not aligning with your tastes without trying to enjoy it. Otherwise, you’re the same as people who say video games are for kids or game x is too violent.

New Super Mario is a relic, sure. You can pick up the controller and play. No tutorial levels. No epic cutscenes to get you acquainted. Just plug in, pick up, and play. Isn’t that what a hardcore game should be? Easy to learn, tough to master? A Video Game, pure and simple. Somewhere, right now, some 8 year old is glued to the TV playing New Super Mario and getting frustrated at that one hammer brother in that one level and saving all his items because he might need them later. And 10 years from now, when Nintendo introduces another Mario game for the Nintendo Room, he can sniffle about how things were better in his day, and how all the damn kids should just play his game if they want to see a real Mario game. So blast poor Mario if you like. But without him, video game history would be bleak, and the future might be even bleaker.

Update on Updates

Posted in General on February 17, 2010 by fieldingmellish

Wow, so it’s been ages since I last wrote an update. As usual, I will blame life for getting in the way here, rather than myself for being addicted to Civilization and terrible Olympic coverage. But the good news is, I haven’t died yet, and I foresee more updates in the future. In fact, I even have a few upcoming ideas! Take a look:


Why Sarah Palin needs to be the Republican Presidential nominee in 2012

Centrism vs. Moderation: Which is more fashionable at parties?

A ridiculously early 2010 election prediction


Earthbound, or a few ideas about what makes a great video game

Why New Super Mario Brothers is Important

Sketch Primer 4: The Flying Circus

Something about Baseball. I haven’t decided what yet, but I have a few ideas kicking around.

So, keep checking back, or sign up to have my musings delivered straight to your email. I’ll be back on a regular posting schedule soon. Cross my heart.