MNF Livebloggin’

Disclaimer: I know much less about football than I do about Baseball or Golf or anything else I usually liveblog. So this is going to be a more casual, more laid back post than usual. NOW LET’S ROCK THIS SHIT!

8:31- Note the timestamp on this one. The announcers are Tirico, Jaws, and Gruden. Jaws is already masturbating Brady and Brees. We are going to hear a lot about quarterbacks in this one. And it won’t be pretty. Gruden also just called them “CEO type quarterbacks,” which I guess means they spent a lot of time working in the business and are now in a position to take a huge bonus while exploiting regulation loopholes to make record profits out of questionable transactions.

8:34- The Michelin Right Man for the Job is both Tom Brady and Drew Brees. Now Tirico is off on Wes Welker. Gruden actually mentions Randy Moss too. Of course, he’s on the field as a distraction to get Welker the ball. Well, it’s a start.

8:36- I don’t know how much more of this pregame I can take. I’m starting to have heart palpitations. $50 and 10000-1 odds for this bet: Both defenses combined warrant more mentions than either Brees or Brady tonight. Any takers? No? Didn’t think so.

8:39- Hank Williams, hang it up. You look ridiculous plugging those giant fake plugs into each other. Why can’t we just go with the traditional theme? It’s classic, it’s triumphant, it gives the whole ordeal some class.

8:42- And the Saints start with a 33 yard bomb from Brees to Henderson. Awesome start. Jaws is already praising Brees in general terms. “He’s doing a great job keeping the safety at home.” He sure is, Jaws. I actually forgot Shockey was on this team, by the way.

8:44- “Hidden Yards” after contact, John? Really? They don’t count? Meanwhile, Brees almost throws a pick into double coverage.

8:46- Pats stuff the draw on third and short. John Carney clanks the FG off the upright, but it squeaks through. 3-0 Saints.

8:48- I hate the music in iPod commercials. Bold, I know. It seems to me, an untrained observer, that it’s prepackaged quirkiness, cuteness for cuteness’ sake. Meanwhile, that Pats start at the 20 and they’re spread out. Brady airmails his first pass.

8:52- Pats going with Maroney early. John likes it. Moss drops a sure first down. Sammy Morris gets the fourth down conversion, though.

8:56- “Watch this route!” John loves Kevin Faulk. It’s getting embarrassing how much he loves all of the Patriots’ offensive players. Meanwhile, Jaws and Tirico sound like they’re recording lines for Madden ’11. Gruden has mentioned the QB sneak 50 times this drive.

8:58- Maroney gets a shitty spot and the Pats go to 4th and 1. The Pats are going for it again. And Gruden likes it! And Maroney is in for the TD. They wouldn’t have gotten him down in 2 hand touch.

9:00- Gostkowski converts it. I want to take a moment to say that the announcers talk so much it’s impossible to pick out the really egregious stuff. It’s a good strategy. I may have to actually watch some of this game and stop typing so much.

9:05- I will also say we are 3-3 in the “Jaworski talks about the Saints’ formations at the start of the drive” game.

9:06- Scripting plays seems incredibly stupid to me. Don’t things change? What if the QB gets sacked on the 4th play? The Saints scripted their way to a quick punt. They tried to be cute about it and gave up a huge return to Welker.

9:09- Dunkin’ Donuts coffee is the perfect gift? Really? Well, I know what everyone in my family is getting.

9:11- Brady immediately throws a pick. Suh-weet. Hit him right in the numbers. Meanwhile, EA is advertising Fifa 10. Wrong audience guys. Also, IGN gave it 9/10, then called it the greatest soccer game ever made. Only 9/10? Greatest ever? Well, everyone knows World Cup for the NES is the greatest soccer game ever.

9:14- While I was writing that, the Saints unleashed a big play and are threatening. The sound is off on the TV, but I guarantee that someone in the booth said something like, “that’s why turnovers will hurt you. The key is to avoid turnovers.” Meanwhile, Obama just intercepted a Brees pass, so I guess it’s Patriots ball again. 1st and 10 from the Rose Garden.

9:17- TV execs must love injuries. Free commercial time! Meanwhile, did you know heartburn may be preventing you from finding Mr. Right and getting married? So get Prevacid! It can’t hurt!

9:21- Wilfork gobbles up the ballcarrier to stuff the Saints on 3rd down. Ate him up. Devoured him. These eating metaphors doing it for you? No? Well, get used to it. He’s fat. Meanwhile, the Saints convert on fourth down and run a screen for a TD on the next play. The tackling on that play looked like a family thanksgiving touch football game. Played by turtles. In molasses. With bones made of straw. It wasn’t good, I guess, is the main bullet point to take away from that.

9:24- The History Channel has a show about Pawn shops now? That’s the most depressing show ever, right? “Tonight on Pawn Stars, watch as Grammammy sells family heirlooms to pay for medication!”

9:29- This has always bothered me: Does Tom Brady’s helmet sit higher on the back of his head? It looks to me like it tilts down on his face. Why does it look like that?

9:30- They’ve played the first 1 second of a “I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up” ads twice tonight. It’s like a remix with a different woman, but it gets to “I’ve fallen and I can’t-” and it cuts to a new ad. No end to the hilarity.

9:34- The Pats have to punt. Not a good series. Meanwhile, Tirico pimps ESPN Boston.

9:36- One play, TD for the Saints. Uh, what happened there guys? Henderson was literally wide open. The ushers had a better chance of getting to him than the Pats Secondary. Jaws somehow manages to credit Brees for that. Uh, I can barely throw a spiral and I could have hit him for a TD there.

9:39- Maroney gets one of those plays that Chris Berman will show and make sounds like “bfft” and “bam” about. And hey! Have you heard Charlie Weis got fired? I didn’t even know he was on the hot seat, ESPN! Brady gets sacked. How long am I willing to give this one before it’s Ocarina of Time on the VC time?

9:41- For some reason, the Saints go into the prevent defense and Brady finds Aiken for a long first down. Jaws and Gruden are competing to see who can jerk him off more. Welker gets blatantly held and it’s third down again.

9:44- And the Saints bail out the Pats with a stupid penalty and an automatic first down for the Pats on a busted play. Maroney gets 2 quick carries. He looks very quick and active on these 2 yard runs. Welker is stuffed short and the Pats have to kick the FG. Gostkowski converts. 17-10.

9:48- Gruden: “The interception is a play he’ll regret.” Oh no. Brady cherishes his interceptions. Loves them. Would throw them on every play if Belicheck would let him. Jaws, shockingly, says something about the Saints formation changes. See, here I am thinking they run the Wing-T on every play.

9:51- Does the Pats defense suck this bad or are the Saints this good? Because it looks like there are a lot of missed tackles and blown assignments. But I also know nothing about football, so maybe the Saints are just so good they can make the Pats play bad defense.

9: 53- Another long pass, another easy TD. It’s like Madden 64 in here. Kakariko Village is looking a great deal more enticing than this game right now.

9:55- Jaws: “They’re manufacturing big plays.” Of course! Why don’t more teams do this?

9:59- The Pats 2-minute drill looks awful. The line can’t block anyone, but the Saints get called for a another stupid holding penalty and it’s first down. Moss also just got his first catch. Welcome to the game, Randall.

10:04- So far, we’ve had Watson get hit in the face with a pass, Faulk get decleated, Brady overthrow 4 straight passes, and a Gostkowski missed FG. So, it’s been a good drive. Boy it’s going to be tough to get psyched up for the second half. See you then!

10:24- And we’re back. I haven’t missed anything yet. But hey, it’s Suzy Kolber! Where did you come from? Randy Moss catches a pass, fumbles, gets it back. Well, this is good for my heartburn.

10:28- The Saints really need to stop the prevent defense on third downs. It’s the only time Brady actually hits his receiver. And again! This time to Moss. It sets up another Maroney TD. 24-17. If only they could stop the Saints once or twice.

10:33- Let me officially go on record as saying I hate Bob Kraft’s shirts. I’ve always hated them and I still hate them.

10:34- The Pats are horrendous on defense. Another big play to Colston and the Pats can’t cover him or tackle him after he gets it. I can’t even think of anything funny to say about this. 31-17.

10:41- If the Pats actually had time to run the ball, they could win this thing. They don’t. Another Brady pass under pressure knocked away. The Saints bail out the Pats again, this time with a broken tackle on 3rd down.

10:46- The Pats line up to go for it again on 4th and 4, but Brady has to take a timeout. The ESPN commercial with the Oregon Duck is heartbreaking by the way. A metaphor for man’s existential longing, trapped in a world of physical needs while spiritual and philosophical enlightenment lie just out of reach.

10:49- Fuckin’ A.

11:04- The fact that one of the names on the NFL customizable jerseys is “Ham Bone” has done quite a bit to cheer me up. Even though Brees still looks like he couldn’t be stopped by 15 bulldozers on meth. 15/18 passing with 4 TDs.

11:08- I understand the Saints are “supposed to” run right now. But Brees is connecting on every pass. Why run at all? Brees completes another first, and I get ready to play some Donkey Kong Country.

11:10- Say good night, Billy. Brees completes his fifth TD. It was fun while it lasted. But if I listen to Jaws chortle out another bit of praise for Drew Brees and John Gruden stare longingly into the monitor as Sean Payton celebrates. The fat lady sings and I’m off to play some video games.

Overall, I think the Pats are worse than I thought they were. I don’t see this team competing in the playoffs. But hey, it’s football and small sample sizes and all that. But man, this defense is 98% butt and 2% more butt.

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