The Hard Truth: Shaugnessy Still an Ass

While the 11 people who actually care about the Super Bowl are gulping down coverage of the Steelers and the Cardinals, there’s not much left for that Boston Sports Media to write about. It’s not like the Bruins are the best team in the NHL and the Celtics are poised to make another championship run. It’s not even like the Red Sox might somehow, against all odds, overpay for a mediocre, over-the-hill catcher.* The Patriots, who went 11-5 and beat the NFC Champions by almost 40 points, are not playing this week. Nor have they played for the past three weeks, as they missed the playoffs. One of the reasons they missed the playoffs is because their Quarterback, perhaps the best in football, destroyed his knee in the first game of the season. But now he’s rehabbing, everyone says he’ll be back for next season. So that’s that.

*Frankly, it’s ridiculous that Jason Varitek, Theo Epstein, or anyone else could think Jason Varitek is worth 5 Million a year. He’s a league average defender at best, and he’s basically a zero at the plate. Yeah he has intangibles, but frankly, when you have to play 38 games against two of the best teams in all of baseball, I would rather have some tangibles. To quote a knowledgable friend: “If Varitek thinks his intangibles are worth so much, why doesn’t he become a coach?” Indeed.

But no. Tom happens to have a Supermodel girlfriend, with whom he enjoys spending time, and to whom he will be married, if the rumors are true. Not only that, Tom actually has things in his life that aren’t football! I know what you’re thinking: What an asshole. Well, thankfully, Dan Shaughnessy agrees. In his column today, the magnificent Dan blasted Brady for some paparazzi photos of him and Gisele by a pool. And you know what? Since FJM isn’t around to cover Steve Philllips joining Joe and John in the booth for Sunday Night Baseball, I’ll do this one for them.

I can’t take it anymore. Aliens have overtaken Tom Brady’s body. He’s not the guy we thought we knew.

Yeah, he’s so different than he usually is. You know, when he’s modeling for Stetson and wearing high-end outfits at press conferences, and hanging out with his Supermodel girlfriend for a few years.

We put up with a lot.

No, we don’t put up with anything. We put up with job searching and sick kids and stains in the kitchen and dumbass Dan Shaughnessy columns wasting space in the paper. We don’t put up with the paparazzi and the vulture media and fat idiots in Steve Grogan shirts who think we should just focus on football and dumbass Dan Shaughnessy columns agreeing with them. This is so unimportant on the scale of things people should care about in the NFL, it makes the illegal shift seem riveting.

Call me jealous. It’s true. We’re all jealous of Tom. Chicks dig him and guys want to be him. He’s delivered from Central Casting, right down to the dimple on his chin. He’s too good to be true. Birds suddenly appear every time he is near. He makes all the money and gets all the girls. He’s the BMOC. He’s the clutch, three-time Super Bowl champ, two-time Super Bowl MVP. He threw 50 touchdown passes in 2007. He buys watches for the offensive linemen. He’s a great guy from a great family.

This paragraph is so inexplicable, I had to quote it in full. After making fun of Tom Brady for how much people like him, he sneaks in the only sports related thing in the entire piece: that Tom Crady is a fucking good quarterback. Like, way better than either quarterback playing on sunday. Like, one of the best ever. A guy who led the Patriots to three Super Bowls, which is the best thing a quarterback can do for the fans of a team. But fuck him! He’s a snob!

We would never suggest that Tom was forgetting his roots and becoming a man of only the finest tastes.

Can you hear the condescension dripping from his voice? After all, Dan Shaughnessy is the voice of the common fan.

Shaughnessy continues by listing all the things “we” (he) has to endure from Tom Brady: endorsements for Movado, baby goats, Spanish paintings, meeting the Pope, and ignoring the media during rehab. Well, on the last one, good for him. He shouldn’t have to say shit to Dan and his pals if this is how they treat him. As for the rest of them, who cares? I actually think it’s great Tom Brady has a life outside the NFL. When he retires, he’ll be happy. He won’t be hanging around on the outskirts like so many guys who have nothing else to do.

It’s sad the measure of NFL players and coaches is supposed to be how long they spend practicing or game planning, to the point where we expect coaches to sleep in their offices and players to spend 15 hours at the gym. Finally, here’s a guy who puts it all in perspective, who treats his job like a job. He does it, he works hard at it, and he does it well, but it’s not his life. Unlike other players who blow off steam at the strip club, Tom likes to spend time going shopping with his girlfriend and going to the beach. What a revelation.

Football isn’t life. The last thing fans should be worried about is what Tom Brady does in his spare time. Why not worry about PSLs and greedy owners and decrepit old players who can’t afford medical insurance? Or this is new: why not worry about what happens on the field? What a crazy thought.

And to those who think Shaughnessy is trolling people like me, you are 100% wrong. This is what he does. He writes columns that could be satire, but are meant to be taken seriously. That’s his way of being able to weasel out of any responsibility when he gets called out. So Dan, if you’re reading: Leave the gossip to People Magaizine and Deadspin on the days when no one gets caught drunk driving. You’re supposed to be a professional.

And people wonder why print media is dying…

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2 Responses to “The Hard Truth: Shaugnessy Still an Ass”

  1. Agreed. 100% agreed. Dan Shaughnessy is one of the worst persons in the world.

  2. sara rose Says:

    ugh. and this is the field i want to work in.

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