By Your Powers Combined?

I don’t know if anyone watched Captain Planet when they were a kid. I did, occasionally. And I hated it. Now, before you run off accusing me of secretly being James Inhofe or something, it wasn’t because I hated the environment. I thought the Planeteers had a pretty noble goal in shutting down the big evil polluting guys. My problem was with the Green-haired Man Himself, ol’ C.P. He seemed a little bit superfluous. I mean, let’s look at the facts. Except for the kid with the Heart ring, the Planeteers had a pretty sweet collection of powers: Water, wind, fire, and earth. People seem to forget this, but those powers weren’t symbolic. They could actually use them, like, for real. The kid who had fire could shoot actual fire, the kid who had water could basically cause tidal waves, etc. So my question is: Why exactly do they need Captain Planet at all? Sure, as I recall these kids ranked about as high as April O’Neal on the scale of “Early 90s Cartoon Sidekicks Smartometer*,” but when you have command of earthquakes and fireballs, what problems can those not solve exactly? These kids couldn’t burn down the polluting factory themselves? I mean, they always had to rescue Captain Planet anyway because he tripped on some Styrofoam or something.

*Which is to say, not very high at all. April O’Neal might have done more to sour my generation on female intelligence than a million Strom Thurmonds. She made Princess Peach look heroic by comparison. There was literally no situation April couldn’t screw up, then embarrass herself by making an idiotic comment afterwards. Throw in her sneaky hotness (proving definitively that yellow cargo suits are hot, I guess) and you have a recipe for the antithesis of a feminist role model. Plus, she had that creepy, man-hungry pal Irma. The main bullet point to take away, I guess, is that April O’Neal is embarassing.

What I’m saying is, basically, I find Captain Planet to be superfluous on his own dang show. And that, to me, is not compelling television. That’s why I always switched over to Looney Toons or something. Wile E. Coyote, now there’s a man (?) you can learn something from.

Tune in next week in the annual “Moonside Annoys You About Unimportant Plot Holes in Your Favorite Kids’ Shows-a-thon,” as I bravely expose Doug as a closet homophobe.

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