Dude, you’re wicked clevah!

So you want to write a sports blog, you say? You’ve got all the jokes lined up. Maybe how Matt Millen sucks at being a GM? How about East Coast Bias? That stupid BCS? A gratuitous shot at Bill Simmons? Check-a-roony! And yet, here you are, writing about Boston sports, with nary a thing to say. You’ve already made fun of Tom Brady’s knee, Dustin Pedroia’s white shortness, Wes Welker’s short whiteness, and Bob Kraft’s jewy jewness.* But something’s missing…

*Only applies to Gregggggg Easterbrook.

Hey I know! Did you know Boston sports fans are racist? I know, crazy, right? Maybe you’ve read about it here or here. Maybe you can make a clever joke about a guy named Sully! Who hates black guys! Yeah, that’s the ticket! Comic gold! Bill Simmons, eat yer heart out!

In all seriousness, Boston has had trouble with race in the past. Sort of like how the United States has had trouble with race in the past. The Red Sox in particular had a dreadful history under the Yawkey trust. And honestly, there’s still some lingering bias, especially in the media (I’m looking at you, WEEI). Manny Ramirez was probably never respected as much as he should have been. Neither was Pedro Martinez. That’s probably partially racially based. On the other hand, the city really got behind the Celtics, who basically went top to bottom with African-Americans.* David Ortiz is one of the most popular players in Red Sox history. So, if one were to examine the situation objectively, one would likely conclude that Boston is not perfect, just like every other place in America. But it’s gotten better, and it’s continuing to get better.

*Guess what, DJ Gallo? Brian Scalabrine is as much of a joke in Boston as he is everywhere else. Maybe if someone would actually go to a Celtics game, they would see that the number one jersey is Paul Pierce by a factor of fifty. Then Kevin Garnett. Brian Scalabrine comes in at about 40th, right after Marco Sturm.

But hey, Boston has been the most successful sports city of the millennium thus far, so you must be a little jealous. And since apparently the “haha Tom Brady is teh gayz lolz!!!!!11” jokes go stale after one or two hundred uses in a month, why not go back to pretending that your city is a paradigm of racial harmony, while Boston is stuck in the Jim Crow era. Seriously. Keep throwing around racial epithets in a Boston accent. It never gets old, and it’s totally not racist if you’re pretending to be from Boston. You know, that awful place where they have gay marriage and a progressive health care plan and a black governor. Fuckin’ troglodytes.

Methinks thou dost protest too much…

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